President Lite

America decided, sometime during 2016, that we don’t want a real president. We don’t have the time, we don’t have the money, and frankly we just don’t care. What we want instead is the fast food and canned beer of presidents, who can offend everyone in a room by his mere presence even though he wears a men’s fragrance, and who is, in his own mind, the best at everything even though he’s never done anything.

We were tired of defending the ideals of democracy and liberty from all enemies—it costs too much;

we were fed up trying to guarantee basic rights and dignities—every man for himself!

So instead of electing someone who could speak sensibly about issues while pandering to the same old special interests, we elected someone who will unwittingly carry out the plans of his powerful “friends” while thinking he’s a rugged individualist—we elected the one man best able to eliminate every consumer protection regulation, simplify the tax code in favor of the wealthy, and make sure American pride is eliminated while American power is used against our interests:

We give you the ultimate export from the nation that has produced the Ford Escort and a dozen dying retail empires, the land which spawns fast food chains like a death star breaking apart into rival kingdoms of sodium, regimentation, and saturated fat, the home of Hallmark Movies and country music, churning out reality shows, processed food products, genetic abnormalities, fearsome weapons, empty promises, backward thinking, inbred values and unjustified exceptionalism.

We give you President Lite

Lite on Commitment—no guiding principles;

Lite on Information—doesn’t read, short attention span;

Lite on Diplomacy—thinks the Marshall Plan is a diet;

Lite on Compassion—couldn’t care less, really;

Lite on Vision—relies on Fox News, close advisors, random encounters to shape policy;

Lite on Ethics—seems to have none, never did;

Lite on Ideas—wants to repeal laws, has no plan to replace them;

President Lite.

Because we just don’t care.